Showing posts with label shame. Show all posts
Showing posts with label shame. Show all posts

Sunday, November 5, 2023

It's not about you


Matthew 23:1-12

Quick question,  don’t think too hard, first thing that comes to mind: 

Who are some people who are better than you? Just good people, better than you are? 

OK, now, who are you better than? 

Certain groups of people, or even specific names, probably came to mind for both questions.  Because, left to our own devices we humans will immediately make ourselves unequal.  Every interaction, we’ll rank and order, we’ll shift around the pieces on the gameboard of life, lowering some people and raising others, and we’ll do it automatically, unthinkingly. Every person we see, we’ll size them up and put them in their slot. Every dumb thing we say maneuvers our place on the board, every accomplishment shifts our standing. Each piece of information we take in contributes to the picture we’re constructing all the time of good and bad, better and worse, more and less worthy, and where we fit in the whole scheme of things. 

We have no authority to do any of this. As Jesus says, we’re all students in the same classroom, children sharing the back seat of the same heavenly parent’s car. But we’ll do it anyway because that is what sin is and we are all sinners. 

 

The Pharisees are a modern-day foil; they’re easy to see as the bad guys. But what we miss when we paint them that way is that they’re the ones who care most deeply about God and living right toward God and other people. They have given their lives to studying the law of God and teaching it to others.  Jesus was deeply Jewish, and like them he taught that the law is a gift to help people live connected to God and each other. But he also lived it completely. Underneath and throughout the whole law, undergirding it all, is God’s justice and mercy, God’s upholding of humanity. Belonging to God and everyone else in this love permeated all that Jesus did. If he broke the law, he did so in love toward God and others. 

The Law underneath the law is love.  

 

Jesus starts out this whole speech saying, Listen to the Pharisees – they know what they’re talking about.  But then he says, But don’t do what they do.  And then, for the rest of the long chapter, with fiery, colorful language and no holds barred, Jesus tears into the Pharisees. He calls them out, up, down, and sideways, for their hypocrisy and arrogance, for their nitpicking details and ignoring justice and mercy, for refusing to live in love and leading others in their footsteps. 

It’s much easier and less risky to try to be good and to educate other people about their faults, than it is to live the command of God – which is, as we talked about last week, to love God and love others, to pay attention to the fundamental fabric of the whole universe – which is God’s love and claim on us all.  Turns out, instead of the vulnerability of loving and being loved, we’d rather just keep comparing ourselves to each other and striving to be worthy.

 

In another place, Jesus tells a story about a Pharisee, the respectable and good person, and a Tax Collector, aka. a cheat and traitor, both praying in the temple. The Pharisee prays loudly, “Thank God I’m not like other people, especially that tax collector over there! I follow the laws of God.” 

And the tax collector prays quietly, “Have mercy on me, Lord, I am a sinner.” Jesus uses this story to teach people how to pray.  In fact, the tax collector’s words become the core of the “Jesus prayer” a breath prayer that has been prayed by Christians for thousands of years. (breathe in: “Lord Jesus Christ, breathe out: Have mercy on me, a sinner,”). 

But when I heard this story as a kid, I did not repeat the tax collector’s words. I repeated the Pharisee’s words. I thought to myself, Thank God I am not like that… Pharisee. And immediately I became so. Every time I look at someone who acts like they’re better than other people and condemn them in my heart, I become them!

 

Knowing what’s right does not make you better. Knowing what’s right should mean living what’s right. We live in a time where we’ve got pretty loud, clear-cut assertions of right and wrong, at least, we like to act like we know what’s right. It’s not ok to use those words, to support those causes, to think that way, believe that way. It’s not ok to spend money on those things or be associated with those people. We have so many opinions. And they are definitive and powerful. And if we don’t, we just look to the people who are sharing theirs so prolifically and take them for our own because they’ve obviously done more research so they must know better than us. 

 

And many of these opinions begin in a good place. They have to do with a fundamental desire to uphold humanity, or a fundamental concern that someone’s humanity is not being upheld. Literally, almost every stance on almost any divisive thing boils down to this. Abortion, Israel and Palestine, affirmative action, the end of affirmative action, letting in migrants, keeping out migrants, critical race theory, storming the capitol – whatever it is that’s got people riled up and passionate, the root of it is the longing for humanity to be upheld, or the utter certainty that someone’s –your own or someone else’s humanity – is being trampled on.  

 

For the cause of upholding humanity, we will tear each other apart. In our fervent longing for belonging, we will reject people’s membership in the human family and cancel people’s belonging.  We will dehumanize other human beings by calling them monsters, or idiots, by worshipping them like superstar gods, or looking right past them on the street like they’re no different than the telephone pole they are leaning against. We will preach the importance of our shared humanity, but when the rubber hits the road, we won’t live it out.  And we’ll hand over the reins to our brains, or our social media feeds, or our precious limited time and attention spans – to those who seem like better people than us because they always seem to know what’s right. Or we will be those people.  

 

I heard someone this week say in relation to this text, wow, pride and arrogance are bad, and just like the Pharisees we lose our way, but the good news is that we get a chance all over again this week to try again.  No. That is not the good news. That is exactly an example of the kind of misunderstanding and misuse of the law that Jesus is calling out here. If God’s description of what life looks like between God and human beings becomes something demanded of ourselves and lorded over others in a way that actually makes us despise ourselves for not measuring up and avoid others because we’re ashamed of our own weakness, or see ourselves as better than others, or them as better than us, making people into idols instead of fragile and beloved siblings who bear sorrow, and restlessness, and pain just like we do, then we are who Jesus is calling out.

 

The Good News is NOT that we have the chance to try again to do this better the next time. The good news starts first by telling the truth that we can’t.  We can’t do this.  We can’t achieve it, or attain it, or avoid failing at it. The establishing of our own permanent goodness to somehow finally be worthy of belonging isn’t possible. And ensuring the belonging and mutuality of all humanity is not something we can produce or sustain. We’ll just tear down some to lift up others and shift the pieces around some more. Trying harder this week won’t fix that. We can’t do it.

 

Then the good news is that God does this. Our belovedness as God’s children and our siblinghood with all others is the Holy Spirit’s business. God does it in us, and through us, and through others for us.  God will keep doing it despite us, and God will never stop inviting us to join in and participate in the almighty loving of one another. 

 

God created this whole universe as a giant symbiotic web of love and connection, and came into it alongside us, just like us—vulnerable and mortal, needing belonging and care from us—in order to take on, for us, all that divides and destroys, to break the power and authority of death, in all its appearances and disguises, so that nothing can keep us from this love, this love that we mostly ignore but might at any moment touch a thread of and make the whole thing, for a split second, sing. We get to receive this gift humbly, surrendering into that belonging, passing on that love and care for others freely, recognizing we couldn’t make it happen on our own. It’s not about us. 

 

In last month’s book read, one big take-away for a lot of us was the question, who is centered in the story?  In that context, amid the fear of the church dying, and the pressure to “save,” or fix, or change the church, we saw that we’ve made the church the center of its own story instead of God. This is the same question in Jesus’s rant against the Pharisees, and one that can immediately wake us up when we lose our way. It’s a bathroom mirror, kitchen fridge type question: Who is the center of your story? 

 

Striving relentlessly to be right, and condemning others for being wrong, centers us instead of God and violates our shared humanity. Praying “Thank God I am not like them,” whoever the them may be, centers us instead of God, and so dehumanizes other people and ourselves.  Pride and arrogance, shame and self-loathing all make us the center of the story instead of God, and so all of these stances isolate us from the belonging we share with all others.  

 

Nobody is better than you. You are not better than anyone else. The Kingdom of God is the great leveling that brings the high low and the low high (because all that is made up by us anyway). The magnetic force of the Holy Spirit brings us back in line with each other and orients us to the Source of all life. Jesus lifts off the crushing burdens we lay on ourselves and each other and pulls us instead into his own life of freedom and complete belonging to God and all others in love.

 

The center of the story is God. The only authority is God.  The power to declare worthiness, to save, to heal, and to resurrect us from the myriad deaths we suffer and inflict on one another, that power is God’s, and God’s alone. 

And thank God for that.

Amen.

 


Wednesday, March 18, 2020

No Perfect, Just Real

Daily Devotion - March 18

I will try to send a brief message each day while we are pausing gathering in person.
- Kara



I've been struck today with how we are in utterly new territory, completely uncharted waters.  Most of us who are living now can't remember an experience like this, and there is no real end to the weirdness in sight. We are all sharing the unknown, and making it through the best way we can.

Suddenly parents are homeschooling, suddenly people are working from home, suddenly people are laid off, or afraid to go to the store.  We're learning new technology, we're paying attention to the news vigilantly. We're figuring out how to cook dried beans because they told us we should stock up on dried beans. It's exhausting and confusing.  

There is no perfect way to do any of these things.
We just do them.
The best we can, and sometimes not even that, sometimes just however we can.

Even if apparently everyone else in the neighborhood is teaching fantastic, educational lessons to perfectly behaved children with energy and love, and you are policing fights and cleaning up messes and trying not to lay on the floor and cry, you are winning. You are making it through.

Each day, we figure out how to get that prescription, how to cancel that appointment, how to communicate with someone we love, how to let go of another thing we were looking forward to, how to fill our hours in ways that keep us sane.

There is no template for this, and nobody is doing it best.  

Maybe it would be good for us to all have a few reminders from the Way of God:
  • Life begins begins in gift and abundance.
  • Everyone is valued, all participate.
  • You are loved just as you are.
  • You are not meant to be perfect, (there’s no such thing); you are meant to be you.
  • You are made by God for connection and communion. On this journey of life that begins in gift and ends in connection and communion, the people journeying alongside you are neighbor, friend, brother and sister, not threats, rivals or competitors.
  • You need each other to be whole, and what we have is for sharing. 
  • Life doesn’t make sense alone and isolated and against; you are created for relationship with God and with each other, and there is no such thing as one without the other.
  • The goal is wholeness, connection and joy, and the world and those of us in it, are wired for this.
  • We have everything we need, and would remember that, and live in that if we regularly stopped everything long enough to let God remind us.
  • The world is filled with beauty, infused with the light of God who holds us all.
  • Living a good life is shaped around “everyone having what they need” justice, “standing with you” kindness, and “attentive and open” walking humbly with God. (Micah 6:8)

So - go google the penguins touring the aquarium, the Venice canals full of fish and birds and clear water, the guy who is visiting his dad in assisted living by sitting on a lawn chair and talking on his cell phone through a window, the many many many neighbors offering to help each other in my neighborhood and yours and every other neighborhood in this nation. (The energy it will take me to link those things directly in here feels like more than I have left for technology today - google them, they're great).

This world is gorgeous and we ridiculous humans are adorable and brave, and making our way through it all right now, just by being human.

I mean, look at this guy?  He's winning too!



CONNECTING RITUAL:

Here's a wonderful prayer from Thomas Merton.

Perhaps tonight, before we go to bed, whatever time that is in each of our homes, we might all say this prayer, and so join our souls:
My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.

Nor do I really know myself,
and the fact that I think I am following your will
does not mean that I am actually doing so.

But I believe that the desire to please you
does in fact please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.

And I know that, if I do this,
You will lead me by the right road,
though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore I will trust you always
though I may seem to be lost
and in the shadow of death.

I will not fear, for you are ever with me,
and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.


Amen.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Shame and Regret

Throughout Lent, at LNPC we are exploring the Biblical Stations of the Cross.  We have the stations up in our sanctuary, and the congregation is doing a Lenten Worship Project, bringing in images that we find in media, our lives, art, etc. and helping to construct one of the stations during worship each week.  This week, we explored Peter's Denial of Jesus: Station 4.



Station 4: Peter Denies Jesus
Lenten Worship Images: Betrayal, Shame, Regret

I want you to think of a time when you did something that you are ashamed of.  For just a minute, remember something you've said or done that you regret.  
Now, show me shame.  Right now with your bodies, do regret. 
How many of you covered your face? Dropped your head, hunched your shoulders in, eyes closed to the world, hands hiding you?  When looking for images this week of shame and regret I was struck by the fact that that one thing was so common it was hard to find anything else.  Shame makes us want to hide.  To erase ourselves, to disappear.

We began our Lenten prayer journey last week with Jesus in the garden. We saw prayer as pleading, sorrow, raw and open before God. Not hidden. Exposed. Vulnerable. Deeply and frighteningly honest; not a smidgen of decorum or hint of duplicity about it. Utterly Transparent.
 Today we are seeing ourselves the opposite way. Hiding. Shame, Regret.  The need to cover ourselves because we are ashamed. We are aware of our own guilt, aware of what we’ve done and we can’t take it back.

I will never betray you! Peter says to Jesus. We say to one another. Our spouses. Our children. Our friends. Our neighbors and communities. The least of these.  
It’s the contract we make with the world.  I will be true. My word is my bond. I will never sell you out. But we do. The lies to save face.  The gossip about someone we love.  Sharing secrets that were not ours to share.  Saving our own skin at another’s expense. Sometimes it happens chillingly quickly, almost an impulse, like fight or flight response. Me or you? Me. Boom. Betrayal.

And there is nothing like that feeling of Guilt. Hot Shame that starts in your gut and rises to your neck and face, burning the whole way up. Horrible Regret. Who hasn’t felt this in their core at one time or another? That stupid decision you made that you can never undo. One little moment. One sentence. A look. Something you could have avoided but you chose not to.
It is never a hypothetical thing, betrayal, never an on paper, victimless crime, a private, individual sin. It is always about hurting another person. Directly. The guilt of it is precise as a laser and it’s all yours.  The sin of betrayal isn’t a clinical right or wrong misstep, it’s the brooding and churning darkness at the very heart of sin: saving me at the expense of you.

If prayer is, as we said last week, brutal honesty with God, opening your heart, being exposed in your need and pain – how in the world do we pray in experiences of duplicity? How do we pray when we are bathed in our own shame, wreaking of regret? Fresh off of a moment of betrayal? How do we pray when we knew better, when we knew what the right thing was and we did something else instead? How do we look God in the eye when we’ve just turned our back? If praying is baring your soul, splayed out before God in all trust and vulnerability, how in the world can we do that if we are curled in horror, frozen in self-protective shame?  We don’t deserve to have God hear us.  We don’t deserve to pray.

Look at Peter – arguably Jesus’ most passionate and committed follower. Peter in all his crazy and wild abandon, his whole-hearted love for Jesus, his ardent and true devotion. Peter, of all people… so confident in his loyalty!  Earlier that evening they were gathered at the table, Jesus saying all these terrible and confusing things…

Then Jesus told them, “This very night you will all fall away on account of me, for it is written:  “‘I will strike the shepherd, and the sheep of the flock will be scattered.’
 But after I have risen, I will go ahead of you into Galilee.”
Peter replied, “Even if all fall away on account of you, I never will.”
“Truly I tell you,” Jesus answered, “this very night, before the rooster crows, you will disown me three times.”
But Peter declared, “Even if I have to die with you, I will never disown you.” And all the other disciples said the same.

Fast forward to the moment, when the random stranger said to him the third time in a crowd of people he might never see again, you were his follower, right?  And Peter denies ever having known him.
Is there ever a worse moment than this, in the history of the world?  God of all creation and your closest friend raises his head and makes eye contact. Sees you in the core of your soul. The cock crows and you are found out. It doesn’t matter if anyone else there knows, or if the whole world is oblivious, you know. What kind of person are you?  How could you?
It’s no wonder Judas hangs himself.  It’s kind of a surprise, frankly, that Peter is able to go on at all. 

I wonder what it was like in the garden before. I mean the very first garden. I mean before before. Before betrayal. And not just Judas’s kiss betrayal, I mean Adam and Eve’s apple betrayal.  What was it like before shame and regret? When they were free and unaware of their nakedness. Whole. Complete. Connected - to God, each other, the world around them. Responsible for each other. Responsible for creation. Accountable to God. In harmony. Fulfilling their purpose, embodying their identity.  Before they thought they knew better. Before they said the slogan of sin, decidedly, irreversibly, Me, not You.

Sin drives a wedge between them and God, them and each other, them and themselves, their own bodies, their own wholeness.  And then shame keeps them there. So self-conscious that they hide in woods, wont show their faces, wont show themselves.  They’re stuck.  Shame locks your limbs in, seals over your soul. There is no escape.

It must have been worse for Peter than anyone else when Jesus died. To have turned your back on a friend in their moment of greatest need, and never be able to make it right again. Death separated them. Death made reconciliation impossible, and it ended forever Peter’s view of himself. His future. His legacy. It obliterated all that Peter had thought he was becoming when he was with Jesus. All that had existed between them. It was over for him. Done. Jesus was gone. Death made it final.

But we are not left there. Where Peter was, the darkest of all places, the place that drove Judas to hang himself and end his life, the place that led Adam and Eve to hide themselves from their Creator, and led Cain to bury his brother’s body and not come out when God called, and leads fathers to leave their families, and sisters to hide in drugs, and mothers to layer on bitterness and hardeness, and friends to cut off from one another permanently, and us to avert our eyes from the suffering of those around us, because after you’ve said Me, not You, there is no retracting it, the shame descends, regret takes hold, and there is no turning back.  But we are not left there.

God’s response to their shame in the garden, God’s answer to Adam and Eve, was to cover them. God covered them. God took away their flimsy layer of leaves and robed them in skins. God recognized their shame and met them there. Forgiveness does that.

We don’t see Peter’s forgiveness here - but it’s coming. After the resurrection, it’s coming. Out of death, life will appear. Into Peter’s life will come forgiveness. And not just that, but restoration, fulfillment of who he was meant to be, called by God, a friend of Christ.  Into Peter’s life will come grace – pouring in and lifting him up, opening his hands and arms to touch and heal and his mouth to speak. Upon this rock, THIS rock, this one who disowned me in my darkest moment, I will build my church.  This one who has known what it is to be utterly lost, who has felt the depths of disloyalty of which he is capable.  Feed my sheep. Jesus will say.  I want YOU to feed my sheep.

Resurrection is coming for Peter.  But resurrection always begins with death, death of who we thought we were, the death of relationships and belonging. Where shame and regret have calcified our sin and cut us off from one another and God.  It is into those places of impossibility that resurrection will come.

Lent, though, asks us to take it a day at time, one step at a time. Lent invites us to sit in the feeling of shame and regret. To stay with Peter in that week.  Exposed and aware.  To recognize that feeling, that you could have, should have, acted differently, and you didn’t.

We don’t practice the act of confession much. We don’t close ourselves in a little booth and slide open the window to dump our darkness on a hidden listener.  We are supposed to confess to one another. We are supposed to carry that for each other, that common burden of sin, the powerful message of forgiveness – to say it and share it and remind each other of both. But we don’t, at least, not often.
Instead we come to church and in unison we give a general confession. We’ve turned our back on you, ignored our neighbor in need. Sins of commission and omission blah, blah.  And our heads stay down, our arms crossed, our selves protected from the harsh light of grace that would demand we reveal our duplicity, that we be exposed as sinners.

But What would it be to live honestly, truly honestly? To find the places of confession in our prayer? To trust so fully that we could bare our souls even in our darkest shame – our betrayals of each other and God?
 What would it be if we stayed awake with one another in the garden of that kind of prayer? If we heard each other’s confessions and pronounced to one another that we were forgiven? If we were able to tell each other where we had hurt someone, and then hear that we are not defined by that sin or shame, but by the grace and love of God?

Return to the garden, Lent invites us, the place of honesty in prayer. Where God clothes us in our shame.  Where Jesus falls across a rock and cries out in despair.  Where we are not alone in our sorrow or our guilt, our betrayal or our shame.
Return to the garden. The source of our life, the place of truth.  The place of confession, of self-revelation. The place of acknowledging weakness and culpability.
Come sit in the garden for a while.  Sit in the darkness until we can open our eyes and lift our gaze just enough, to whisper, not Me, You. Or Not my will, but yours. And then wait.

The only way to wholeness is to live in our brokenness, and let God meet us there. Lent invites us again to the garden. May we have the courage to come.

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