Daily Devotion - March 25
I will try to send a brief message to my congregation each day (except Mondays) while we are pausing gathering in person.
- Kara
- Kara
This morning I awoke to a message from a friend, about her 14 year old. "He won’t do school work. Won’t leave his room. Won’t shower. Won’t take a walk because what’s the point. I don’t know what to do. And I don’t have anything to motivate him. Or anything to take away when he won’t do schoolwork. This sucks."
I knew what she was talking about. This was my daughter, briefly the other day. I laid her in front of an episode of Nova and we counted that as school. It was me briefly, (a different day, thankfully than her) and I closed the door and watched 6 straight episodes of "Good Girls." But today I had some perspective.
Her son is meeting a need.
In NVC, we talk about how needs are qualities that contribute to the flourishing of life, shared by all human beings. One of those is the need to mourn.
The life we were in, the plans we had made, the future we were shaping, the rhythms we enjoyed or endured, they're gone. It's all paused, halted, with no end in sight to the strangeness.
Grieving is a shared human need.
My friend's son reminded me of a widower, In a kind of shock and loss. Shuffling around in a bathrobe. Not wanting to eat or get dressed. Not able to engage in life, or see what's worth living for. Those were the actual words from my own 12 year old daughter who is usually vibrant with life, "There's nothing to live for." That is the sound of grief.
And mourning is a need that can be met.
I answered her,
He needs to grieve.
Maybe give him some really concrete way to grieve. What he’s doing is what people do when a loved one dies. Tell him to dress in black. Tell him mourning is an important way to pray, to grieve for the things that are lost- for him and for the whole world.
Give him a time frame, make it his job instead of schoolwork. "You seem to have a calling right now to grieve. This is your job till Friday. Like monks who pray for the world on behalf of all of us. Cry if you can. Write about how bad this feels. Pray for those who are sick. Tell God. And when you’re finished you will know." So maybe not a time frame. He will be done when the need is met."
Then a few minutes later, I added,
But maybe also say, You have to shower and get dressed to show up to your job of mourning. (!)
Feelings & Needs
This pulled-out-of-our-lives time is a good time to pay attention to our feelings and needs.
Feelings are indicators of needs that are met or unmet. There are not "good" feelings and "bad" feelings - they're merely signs, to show us what's going on in us.
We have a pretty limited vocabulary around feelings: happy, sad, angry, tired... but there are so many feeling words available to us. There is satisfaction and relief in being able to name what we are really feeling.
These feeling words help us get at what our needs are, so that we can name them, and even find new strategies in this time to meet them.
FOR ADULTS -
Here is a feelings list (2 pages) and a needs list. I encourage you to print them out and refer to them throughout the day, especially when you feel stuck, or are having a strong emotion you can't identify (or someone else in your house is).
I knew what she was talking about. This was my daughter, briefly the other day. I laid her in front of an episode of Nova and we counted that as school. It was me briefly, (a different day, thankfully than her) and I closed the door and watched 6 straight episodes of "Good Girls." But today I had some perspective.
Her son is meeting a need.
In NVC, we talk about how needs are qualities that contribute to the flourishing of life, shared by all human beings. One of those is the need to mourn.
The life we were in, the plans we had made, the future we were shaping, the rhythms we enjoyed or endured, they're gone. It's all paused, halted, with no end in sight to the strangeness.
Grieving is a shared human need.
My friend's son reminded me of a widower, In a kind of shock and loss. Shuffling around in a bathrobe. Not wanting to eat or get dressed. Not able to engage in life, or see what's worth living for. Those were the actual words from my own 12 year old daughter who is usually vibrant with life, "There's nothing to live for." That is the sound of grief.
And mourning is a need that can be met.
I answered her,
He needs to grieve.
Maybe give him some really concrete way to grieve. What he’s doing is what people do when a loved one dies. Tell him to dress in black. Tell him mourning is an important way to pray, to grieve for the things that are lost- for him and for the whole world.
Give him a time frame, make it his job instead of schoolwork. "You seem to have a calling right now to grieve. This is your job till Friday. Like monks who pray for the world on behalf of all of us. Cry if you can. Write about how bad this feels. Pray for those who are sick. Tell God. And when you’re finished you will know." So maybe not a time frame. He will be done when the need is met."
Then a few minutes later, I added,
But maybe also say, You have to shower and get dressed to show up to your job of mourning. (!)
Feelings & Needs
This pulled-out-of-our-lives time is a good time to pay attention to our feelings and needs.
Feelings are indicators of needs that are met or unmet. There are not "good" feelings and "bad" feelings - they're merely signs, to show us what's going on in us.
We have a pretty limited vocabulary around feelings: happy, sad, angry, tired... but there are so many feeling words available to us. There is satisfaction and relief in being able to name what we are really feeling.
These feeling words help us get at what our needs are, so that we can name them, and even find new strategies in this time to meet them.
FOR ADULTS -
Here is a feelings list (2 pages) and a needs list. I encourage you to print them out and refer to them throughout the day, especially when you feel stuck, or are having a strong emotion you can't identify (or someone else in your house is).
- What am I feeling? What am I needing?
- What are they feeling? What might they be needing?
There is also an App - called "iGrok" that has the feelings and needs on your phone. (I use it frequently).
(You can watch clips of Marshall Rosenberg doing, or teaching, NVC here).
FOR KIDS & PARENTS -
We have mailed each family a set of kids Grok cards- which are feelings and needs.
They come with a booklet of games. Play some games together to get familiar with the cards and comfortable using the words.
Then - and I say this from experience - they come in really handy when someone is having a meltdown, or a shutdown, to take some guesses at feelings and needs. Lay out cards, take guesses - Are you feeling frustrated? Annoyed? Angry? Are you needing space? Choice? To see and be seen?
And let the child - or adult! - say yes and no to different cards until they can identify and own the feelings and need.
It feels so good when you can get to the need and have it acknowledged and valued.
And if your need today is to mourn, embrace it.
Don't try to make yourself cheer up or feel something different.
Meet the need.
Here's the promise: When it is met, it will subside, and another need will arise, like gratitude, play, connection, or rest.
You can trust that this is true.
(FYI - Andy's Podcast: New Time Religion, has an episode about the virus called, "The Virus took our Future." You can listen here).
CONNECTING RITUAL:(You can watch clips of Marshall Rosenberg doing, or teaching, NVC here).
FOR KIDS & PARENTS -
We have mailed each family a set of kids Grok cards- which are feelings and needs.
They come with a booklet of games. Play some games together to get familiar with the cards and comfortable using the words.
Then - and I say this from experience - they come in really handy when someone is having a meltdown, or a shutdown, to take some guesses at feelings and needs. Lay out cards, take guesses - Are you feeling frustrated? Annoyed? Angry? Are you needing space? Choice? To see and be seen?
And let the child - or adult! - say yes and no to different cards until they can identify and own the feelings and need.
It feels so good when you can get to the need and have it acknowledged and valued.
And if your need today is to mourn, embrace it.
Don't try to make yourself cheer up or feel something different.
Meet the need.
Here's the promise: When it is met, it will subside, and another need will arise, like gratitude, play, connection, or rest.
You can trust that this is true.
(FYI - Andy's Podcast: New Time Religion, has an episode about the virus called, "The Virus took our Future." You can listen here).
Perhaps tonight before bed, whatever time that is in each of our homes, we might all receive this blessing, and so join our souls:
THE LORD’S PRAYER - NEW ZEALAND PRAYER BOOK
Eternal Spirit
Earth-Maker, Pain-bearer, Life-giver,
source of all that is and that shall be,
Father and Mother of us all,
Loving God, in whom is heaven.
The hallowing of your name echoes through
the universe!
The way of your justice be followed
by the peoples of the earth!
Your heavenly will be done by all created beings!
Your commonwealth of peace and freedom
sustain our hope and come on earth.
With the bread we need for today, feed us.
In the hurts we absorb from one another, forgive us.
In times of temptation and test, spare us.
From the grip of all that is evil, free us.
For you reign in the glory of the power that is love,
now and forever.
Amen.
THE LORD’S PRAYER - NEW ZEALAND PRAYER BOOK
Eternal Spirit
Earth-Maker, Pain-bearer, Life-giver,
source of all that is and that shall be,
Father and Mother of us all,
Loving God, in whom is heaven.
The hallowing of your name echoes through
the universe!
The way of your justice be followed
by the peoples of the earth!
Your heavenly will be done by all created beings!
Your commonwealth of peace and freedom
sustain our hope and come on earth.
With the bread we need for today, feed us.
In the hurts we absorb from one another, forgive us.
In times of temptation and test, spare us.
From the grip of all that is evil, free us.
For you reign in the glory of the power that is love,
now and forever.
Amen.
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