Our congregation has spent time over the years learning about NVC, non-violent communication. NVC teaches that at our core, every human being has the same needs. One layer up, our feelings are merely indications of needs that are currently met or unmet in the moment. Then there are the strategies we use to meet those needs. If I’m feeling overwhelmed I may have an unmet need for rest. Or if I have too much on my plate, or a project I can’t find my way into, I might have a need for order or clarity, for example. So, if I take my overwhelmed feeling and spend an hour scrolling through Airbnb locations, checking facebook and watching tik tok videos this strategy may meet a need for ease, but it doesn’t address an unmet need for rest, order or clarity. It may actually make those needs more acutely unmet.
A child throwing a tantrum is feeling overwhelmed, perhaps because she is hungry, or tired, or bored. Her parent will work to figure out which of these it is, and respond by helping her meet her need for food, for sleep, or for stimulation. We are usually pretty good at listening for the need underneath the strategies and feelings with children, less good with adults, including our own selves. We get tripped up by our differing strategies.We all share a need for security. When this need seems unmet we may feel afraid, or helpless or anxious; when our need for security is met we may feel calm and confident. There are many strategies people take to meet this need for security. One of my neighbor’s knows every neighbor’s name, and the names of the mail carrier, garbage truck drivers, pets and local shop owners. She checks in on folks when they’re not well, shares excess produce, and welcomes new people to the neighborhood. She is meeting a need for security, and also meeting needs for connection and community for herself and for others.
Another neighbor two blocks down has a “Beware of Dog” sign hanging on their gate, and stenciled large on their garage door the words, “This property is protected by Smith and Wesson.” With the threat of dog and gun violence, they are trying to meet their need for security, but it’s possible their strategy may be undermining their needs for connection and ease.
I am saying all this because we are about to take a master class in listening to the need and not to the strategy. And I want us to go into this story with a teensy bit of empathy for James, John, and the rest of the disciples in this one. Because they are about to look pretty bad.
“Teacher, the brothers say, we want you do to whatever we ask of you.” This sounds pretty cheeky and presumptuous. But it also reveals a shocking lack of listening skills or willful denial on their part. Because this conversation comes as they are walking toward Jerusalem – toward Jesus’ death, and Jesus expresses this in detail, “You guys, we are heading to Jerusalem now, the place where I will be turned over to the religious authorities, put on trial, condemned to death, handed over to the oppressive Roman Empire, mocked and humiliated, spit on, flogged and then killed. And after three days I will rise again.”
And their response is, “Hey Jesus, when the revolution happens and you take over the throne, we think it makes the most sense for the two of us to be your top advisors, will you make sure that happens?”
Which means they did not hear a single, excruciating word Jesus just said.
A lot is made of the foolish disciples, never really getting it, especially in the book of Mark. These guys ask this greedy and off-base question and the others get mad at them for it. Maybe because they recognize it for how completely tone deaf it is, but most likely because they hadn’t thought of it first.
Human beings since the beginning of time have equated power and security; when you’re persuaded by the way of fear that others are a threat and you need to ensure your own place in this life, this makes sense. Who wants to be on the bottom? Why not mitigate as much risk as possible? These guys were looking out for themselves. Here was a strategy to meet their need for security.
And they were going after power and security even if it meant not hearing Jesus about the things that will soon make him utterly powerless and vulnerable, and even if it meant pissing off the other disciples.
So a typical take-away is to make sure you are better than the disciples at this whole discipleship thing, So serve one another and don’t asking for special favors from God. Amen.
But I hate this takeaway, because we so often get distracted in scripture by the humans just being human, and thinking that being a Christian means we are supposed to somehow not be quite so human. Do better. Be different.
But that’s not what the bible is there for. It’s purpose is to tell us who God is in the midst of our humanity. And when they ask Jesus to do for them whatever they ask, Jesus responds, with tenderness and attentiveness, “What is it you want me to do for you?”
And when they tell him their bad strategy for security – proximity to power – he hears right past it, and right past the fact that they didn’t listen to him, and he listens to the heart of them. He lifts them up with respect and hears them with care.
“Are you able to handle all that I go through?” he asks.
“Yes! Of course we are!” they reply, caught in their own stories of control and leadership.
Then Jesus drops the truth on them, ‘You will go through what I go through, just as I am here to go through all that you go through. But the power thing that you are thinking of, that’s not how this Kingdom works. There is no invincibility in this gig. Suffering and death will still come for you. If you feel the urge to be great, serve others. And if you want to be first, you must turn around and be a slave instead. Because I came to serve, not to be served. I’m here to give up my life for all.’
When we turn to one another in care, we are brought back to our true calling and security. Not in avoiding pain or weakness, but in joining each other there. We are made in the image of God who ministers, who comes into this life to share it, and gives his human life in care for others. Where we find Jesus, right now, is in receiving and giving love and care to and from other people.
I don’t want to pile on the disciples for their bad strategy and tactless approach. I do the same thing all the time. I want to recognize the shared need I have with them, the need to feel like things are going to be ok, and I will be safe and secure, cared for and not forgotten, and that my life matters. I too hate feeling afraid, or anxious, or insecure. Jesus sees us at our core, and sees through all our silly strategies for security. And Jesus meets that need by bringing us back to our belonging to God and each other. Our security, in life and death, is being held in God’s love no matter what and always.
For 16 years, every time I have ever driven or walked by the house two blocks down, I have thought about the needs of those neighbors. They run a daycare – near their ‘Smith and Wesson’ sign, is a sign about driving slowly because of the children. And behind the fence with their ‘beware of dog’ sign is a yard filled with play equipment, often covered in wiggly, laughing children. But they’ve had two other signs displayed over the years. On the peak of their house has hung a light-up broken heart, with the words, “We’ll always miss you, Richie.” And across the rear window of their mini-van are the words, “Parents of a murdered child.”
I can’t begin to imagine the loss and suffering these neighbors have been through, and how frightening and insecure the world must feel to them. I can’t fault them for wanting life to feel safer and less terrifying. I want the same thing. Their Smith and Wesson warning may feel like a winning strategy, but I suspect that any security they feel may actually come from their daycare. Because caring for others returns us to our humanity, reconnects the severed parts of us, allows the neurological pathways in the world for healing and hope to flow from and to us.
We meet Jesus, who is with and for us, when we are with and for each other. And Jesus sees past our stupid strategies and our protective pain to the soft heart of us. Like a parent to the child tantruming on the floor, Jesus knows exactly what we need, even when we do not, and he asks us with infinite gentleness and unwavering love, “What is it you want me to do for you?” And when we answer our dumb idea, God gives us the connection, wholeness and security our hearts are longing for anyway.
Amen
Amen
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